Consentarius Cogito
by ProFfeSseR
Summary: Is Brennan logical enough to observe the surgery just like Booth suggested, or is it a lot harder than they both thought? My addition for A Critic In the Cabernet.


_A/N: Ever since I've watched The Critic in the Cabernet I've been asking myself two questions. First, how did Brennan know Stewie from the family guy and that it was a cartoon, and more important, is it really so easy for her to attend that surgery? Is she rational enough to watched that surgery and to put herself on a safe distance? Because the Brennan from season one definitely would have been? But how about the Brennan we know now? I've wrote down all the words that have been playing through my mind since that episode and it turned into this story. Hope you'll like it. Please R&R!!_

**Consentarius Cogito**

They were wheeling Booth towards the operating room. Two orderlies pushing the bed through the long hallways of Washington University Hospital. Bones was walking right next to him. As he was laying there he couldn't help but think how fast this all went. Just this morning he thought he was fine. Of course he was seeing a cartoon figure, but that was just stress, wasn't it? If it wasn't for Brennan convincing him to go to the hospital, he could have gone for weeks if not months before he'd known.  
He glanced at her and could tell she was feeling distressed. She would never admit it, but he'd known her long enough that he could tell, even if she was miles away. He knew he had to do something to make her feel better. That's also why he invited her into the operating room. It wasn't for his own comfort, or at least he told himself. He knew she'd go crazy if she had to sit in the waiting room with the others, not knowing what was going on inside the operating room. He couldn't help but think there was something else that needed to be said before the surgery. And so he told the orderlies to stop for a while.

"Will you stop for a second?" The bed stopped moving and everybody was looking at him. "Can you just give me a minute, please?"

The orderlies nodded and walked away on a safe distance, so they wouldn't overhear the conversation.

"What's wrong?" Brennan asked.

"Listen, Bones, if I don't make it…"

She interrupted him immediately, "Booth, you're gonna be fine."

Looking directly in her eyes he said "but if I'm not… I want you to have my stuff… you know, for a kid."

She shook her head. "Booth.."

"I want you to." He paused for a while, then added "You're going to be a really good mom."

"You're going to be fine Booth." She tried to convince him once more. Because there was no way she could handle it if he wouldn't. "I'll be right here."

He nodded, trying very hard to believe her. He'd been through a lot in his life. He got hurt more than once. Blown up by a fridge, getting shot multiple times. But he'd never been this scared in his life. They were going to operate on his brain. There was something growing in his brain that didn't belong there. Making him see things that were not there. He had no choice but to say "I'm ready." Even though he wasn't.

Brennan nodded to the orderlies and they came back, pushing the bed to the surgical ward. Booth reached out his hand to her and she grabbed it, holding it tight. They both needed this connection at the moment. Needing something to hold on to when everything else was out of their hands.

Inside the operating room they told Booth to slide over to the operating table. The anesthesiologist was already there, making sure all the monitors were working correctly and all the necessary medicine was laying within reach. There were also an OR nurse who was laying down all the medical equipment and the assistant from the anesthesiologist who was telling Booth what they were about to do once more.

Brennan observed from a distance, giving the medical staff the space they needed to prepare everything for the surgery. It wasn't until they were finally ready to put Booth to sleep when she stepped in.

"Are you ready?" She asked, seeing the fear in his eyes.

"As ready as I'll ever be I guess." He tried to force a smile but failed miserably.

"You're going to be fine." She tried to convince him once more. I'll be right here next to you the entire time. You won't be alone."

"I know. Thanks Bones."

"No problem."

"Okay are you ready" The anesthesiologist asked.

Booth nodded.

"Good then I'm going to inject the propovol in your I.V. and you should start to feel sleepy right away. When you wake up, the tumor will be gone and this pretty lady here will be sitting right next to you." He nodded his head towards Brennan who forced a smile.

Booth looked at the syringe as the white, milk looking liquid entered his blood stream slowly. Then he turned to look at Brennan who was staring back at him. He felt how the medicine started to work almost immediately and had to fight to keep his eyes open. He didn't know how long he was able to keep that up, until his eyes finally closed and he slid into a deep sleep.

"Alright he's under." The anesthesiologist said, and immediately put a breathing mask over Booth's face. "Ready for intubation?" He said, as he squeezed the balloon in a slow rhythm.

Brennan watched how they turned Booth's head slightly backwards and put a laryngoscope in his throat. Then they slid in the tube with easy, attached the breathing mask to the tube and started to squeeze in the balloon again. The assistant put a stethoscope on Booth's chest and listened to both lungs. "Equal breath sounds." Then they taped the tube to Booth's face so it would stay in place and put him on the ventilator.

Brennan took a few more steps back nurse prepped the surgical field by shaving away some of Booth's hair and putting a sterile cloth over the area. By the time the area was disinfected the surgeon entered and was ready to start the operation.

He easily cut through the skin until he reached the skull, then took a saw and opened the scull. Brennan had seen this many times when they had a body that wasn't decomposed till the bone and Cam needed to do an autopsy. She knew she had to rationalize what she saw otherwise she wouldn't make it through this surgery standing by Booth's side as she'd promised. And there was no way she could break a promise to him. She too wanted to make sure that they wouldn't mess up. That he would make it to recovery just fine.

Trying to focus on what she was seeing she couldn't help it when her mind wandered off anyway.

She thought about the day Booth fell on the ice and hit his head. When he told her he'd seen Luc Robitaille she thought it was the concussion. And when he told her it was Teddy Parker, his death army friend who helped him get off that boat the day he was kidnapped by the grave digger, she hadn't thought much of it either. And this is exactly why she needed a rational approach for everything. Logically she had known something was wrong that day. She had also known it would have been impossible to get him to see that at that point. She would not have been able to convince him, had she dragged him to the hospital that day.

Still, she blamed herself that she hadn't dragged him to the hospital that day. She couldn't get the image of Booth in that interrogation room out of her mind. He lost it in front of a suspect. Thinking he saw a baby from some cartoon, and talking to that figure. She still remembered the evening at his apartment when he made her watch that cartoon. At first she thought it was stupid. Watching a baby talking with the voice of a grown man. But after a while she started to enjoy it, as she saw that Booth did. When he told her he saw that baby, she had known something was wrong right away. She was glad she had dragged him out of that interrogation room and away from the curious eyes of their suspect and knew that she needed to convince Booth to go to the hospital this time.

For once, he allowed her to drive and once they arrived at the emergency room, she demanded to see a neurologist. The calm desk clerk had given them the necessary forms to fill out in order for them to see the triage nurse, let alone a doctor. Her protests that she was a doctor herself and knew her friend needed to see a neurologist right away had no effect on the desk clerk and it was Booth himself who convinced her that they had time to do things the right way.

When they finally did saw the neurologist she explained what happened and after a quick neuro exam, the doctor finally agreed to a CT scan. With the hallucinations she had known there were only two options. Either an aneurysm or a brain tumor. The CT ruled out an aneurysm and showed a contrast enhanced lesion in his brain. It took a combination of the neurologist, radiologist and the neurosurgeon to diagnose the tumor as a pilocytic astrocytoma, a benign tumor usually found in children…

"As you can see…" the neurosurgeon shook Brennan out of her thoughts.

She looked up and saw that the neurosurgeon pointed at something. She looked at the monitor that allowed everybody in the operating room to see the surgical field just as the neurosurgeon was seeing it, because of a small camera attached to his glasses.

She immediately realized that the neurosurgeon had reached the tumor and she tried to focus on the voice of the surgeon.

"Because the tumor mostly exists out of cysts, it should not be a problem to remove it." He carefully inspected the field surrounding the tumor. "It looks like the tumor hasn't affecting the brain tissue so there shouldn't be any long term affects."

Brennan released a sigh she didn't know she was holding and took a step closer to the monitor so she could see it for herself. She carefully watched how the surgeon removed the step by step. It seemed to be going very well and rather quick, but then the surgical field suddenly went blurry because of blood and she subconsciously took a step back as the neurosurgeon immediately tried to locate the bleeder.

A few seconds later the heart monitor started to beep uncontrollably and looking at it she saw how Booth's heart rhythm was dangerously high. If that wasn't enough his body started shaking. "He's seizing." The neurosurgeon yelled. "Push some attivan."

Brennan closed her eyes, not being able to watch how her friend was having a hard time. How he was fighting for his life as the doctors tried to control the seizure and to get his heart rhythm back to normal. She'd walked backwards as far a she could and was standing at the far edge of the OR, her back pressed against the wall. It wasn't until she finally heard the heart monitor slow down that she dared to open her eyes again.

"He finally stopped seizing." The neurosurgeon said. "How long has it been?"

"6 minutes." One of the nurses told him.

He nodded. "Let's get the rest of this tumor out. The bleeding seemed to have stopped. All we can do for him right now is get this surgery over with and then it's up to him."

"Can there be permanent damage?" Brennan asked when she finally found her voice.

"There's no way to tell right now, but there's always a possibility. We have to get this over with as soon as possible and then we'll see if or when he wakes up."

She nodded, forcing herself not to think about what would happen if there was permanent damage, or worse, if he wouldn't wake up at all. She saw how the surgeon removed the last part of the tumor and once more checked if he had it all.

"We're ready now. All I need to do is close. Do you want to go tell your friends? Then you can meet him in recovery in half an hour." He asked Brennan and she nodded, glad to finally have something to do.

She washed her hands and her face, and once more looked through the glass of the OR doors and saw only a small part of Booth's face sticking out from underneath the sterile cloth. A big part of it was drained with blood now and it wasn't until then that she realized she almost lost one of her best friends. Suddenly her stomach turned around and she nearly made it to the closest rest room until she emptied the contents of her stomach in the toilet.

She felt much better after that and once more washed her face. She had to go tell her friends how the surgery went, even if she didn't know the outcome.

They all raised out of their seats when they saw her.

"How did it go?" Cam was the first to ask.

"The surgeon was able to take the tumor out completely. We'll have to wait for the pathology report for the permanent results, but from the way it looked we think it's benign."

"That's good." Angela said.

Brennan nodded but wasn't able to look up at her friend.

"What happened?" Angela asked, sensing that something was wrong.

"He had a seizure during the surgery. There might be permanent damage because it went on for too long. But there's no way to tell until he wakes up."

"But he will wake up right?" Angela asked.

Brennan raised her shoulders. "Let's hope so."

Defeated they all sat down again, trying to register what Brennan had just told him. Over the past 4 years they all became very attached to Booth, and there was no way they could picture themselves working without him. Even Sweets who's only known Booth for a year and a half thought life wouldn't be the same without him.

"We need to be strong for him." Cam said. "We need to believe that he's going to be okay. He's a strong man. If anyone can make it, it's him."

"I'm going to the recovery now." Brennan said. "I want to be with him when he wakes up."

Angela watched Brennan walk away. Her shoulders were slumbered and she had seen the fear in her eyes earlier. "I'll go talk to her for a little while." She whispered to Hodgins, who was sitting next to her.

He placed a light kiss on her forehead and said. "Go, it looks like she needs you."

When Angela finally caught up with Brennan she placed a hand on her shoulder. "Brennan, wait."

Brennan turned around. "What's up?"

"How are you holding up?"

"This isn't about me." She said, just like she said before the surgery.

"This is Booth we're talking about Brenn. The man who you asked to father your child. I can see you're hurting. You need to let it out." She pulled Brennan towards a few chairs. "Come sit, please."

With a sign Brennan said down, looking down at the hands resting in her lap. "I can't talk about it Ange."

"Why not? It will make you feel better."

"Are you a psychologist now?" Brennan asked, while giving Angela an annoyed stare.

"No. I'm your best friend. I would never ask you to talk to Sweets right now. But I'm asking you to tell me how you're feeling. You have to be strong once you're in the recovery with Booth. For his sake. So please tell me how you feel, so it will be easier for you later."

"I never had any problems with hiding my feelings." Brennan said.

"I know that. But he can always tell. Like I can tell."

Brennan sighed. "I can't think about what will happen if we lose him Ange. I got a feeling of what that will be like last year and…."

"That was rough." Angela added.

Brennan nodded. "He told me to use his stuff… you know… if he doesn't make it."

"That's what you wanted right?"

"I guess… I don't know. It doesn't seem so important right now."

Angela smiled. "You don't have to think about it right now. All you need to do is sit with him and be there for him. And what comes, comes. And you'll deal with it then. But if there's one thing I know, is that Booth is a strong man. He'll do anything in his power to fight for his life, so he won't leave his son without a father, and so he won't leave you."

"What do I have to do with it?" Brennan asked, still oblivious.

"Everything sweetie. I think it's safe to say you're his best friend. He'll do anything for you. He knows what you've been through in your life, and he will do anything to keep you from hurting."

Brennan forced a smile. "Thanks Ange. I think he's in recovery right now and I promised to not leave him alone."

"You go sweetie. We'll hear how things go."

She nodded again and then got up, walking to recovery. Booth was just installed there when she arrived. "How is he doing?"

"His vital signs are normal. We're lowering the dosage of his medicine and if everything goes fine he should wake up within the next hour."

"Thank you." Brennan said, as she grabbed a chair and put it next to Booth's bed. Sitting down she grabbed one of his hands and held it tight. Booth had a large bandage around his head, the tube was still in place and would stay there until he woke up. She knew that all she could do was wait now. There was no way to know what would happen next.

-xxxx-

Brennan didn't know she dozed off until she felt something pulling at her hand. She opened her eyes and when she realized it was Booth, she jumped up immediately. His eyes were open and he looked scared. She placed a hand on his cheek. "The surgery went fine Booth. There's a tube in your throat to help you breath. Don't fight it okay, they'll take it out soon."

He blinked his eyes, letting her know that he understood.

"Nurse." Brennan said. "He's awake."

Immediately a few people were standing around Booth's bed and she had to take a few steps back. They extubated and called in the neurosurgeon who performed a first exam to find out how the patient was doing.

"Keep him monitored here for an hour. If there's no change in his vital signs, you can move him to the ICU. I want him monitored there for 24 hours before he can be moved to another unit. Understood?"

The nurse wrote down his orders.

"Call me if anything changes." Then he turned to Brennan. "The first exam looks very promising. It's probably too soon to tell but he looks clear and remembered that he's in the hospital. Don't expect too much because he's exhausted from the operation and needs to rest. Don't try to make him talk. He can't have any visitors but you for a while. But if I were you I'd go home and get some sleep and come back in the morning. Once we move him to the ICU we'll give him some sleeping medicine to help him get through the night with much ease and without any pain. And there's no reason to believe he won't be here tomorrow morning."

"I'll think about it. Thank you very much for letting me stay with him today."

"It was a special request and we usually don't allow it, but in this case, I knew it was okay."

"Thank you."

"I'll see you tomorrow." The doctor said before he walked away.

Brennan walked back to Booth's bed and he was still looking.

"Bones…" He whispered.

"Shhh. Don't try to talk okay. There was a tube in your throat for a long time to help you breath. You need to give it some time to heal."

He blinked his eyes twice, letting her know he understood.

"You're going to be fine Booth. And I'll be right here next to you the entire time."

He tried to smile, fighting to keep his eyes open.

She put a hand on his cheek again. "Don't fight it Booth. Sleep is the best medicine for you right now."

And with that, he fell asleep again.

- A few days later -

Booth was sitting up, the bandage still around his head, Brennan sitting on the bed next to him, her face towards him.

"With all we discussed, how the surgery went and everything, there's still one thing we haven't discussed."

"What's that?" She asked, curious.

"What we talked about before I went in to surgery. Remember?"

"I remember." How could she not?

"So, what about it?"

"You made it through the surgery Booth. You told me to use it if you didn't make it. So I don't think it'd be right to have this discussion right now."

"Okay, what we talked about before you took me to the hospital then."

"About Stewie? I thought you didn't see him anymore."

He sighed, annoyed. "You're avoiding the subject Bones. You very well know what I'm talking about."

"I told you I won't have the baby. Because obviously it makes you uncomfortable."

He shook his head, carefully not to hurt it. "That's not true. Okay maybe the subject of donating my semen and leaving it at that is, but not you being a mom. Like I said, I think you'd be a great mom, Bones."

"Then what do you want?"

"I want to be involved. Like I'm a father to Parker, I want to be a father to our baby as well. Teach him how to play baseball. Riding the carousel on Sunday afternoon. You know."

She nodded. "So you want to be a father. Like a family?"

He raised his shoulders. "We're not a couple so we wouldn't be a real family. We won't be living in the same house. The kid would be living with you most of the time, but I was hoping that he or she could stay at my place a few days a month as well. Be involved in the decision making, all that."

She thought for a while. "Angela says that if I do it this way, I'll give up the chance of having a real family."

"So you don't want it?"

"Well I do. I guess that's why I asked you in the first place. Because I know what it's like when you don't have any parents and that way the kid always has someone to fell back on. But…."

"But you want a real family?"

She closed her eyes and turned her head away from him. "When the surgeon said he wasn't sure if you would wake up, and if you did if there would be any permanent damage….."

When she didn't continue he slowly turned her head. "Look at me Bones."

She opened her eyes and looking deep inside, he saw the fear she must have felt then.

"I'll never leave you, you know that right?"

"You promised me that more than once Booth. But you can't control everything."

"I know that. But I'm doing all I can. The best I can, and I was hoping that'd be enough for now."

"I know."

"So how about we'll give it a try?"

"What?"

"Being a family."

"How?" She asked, confused.

And with that, he leaned in and kissed her.

**THE END!**


End file.
